Walking

真恶心，真想删了。

昨天是我们这批灯塔义工聚会，来得很齐。晚饭过后，晓雪小周TT和我四个去沿江路枕木136喝酒聊天，聊到两点关门才走。回来快三点了，很晕，在博客乱写，刚给删掉。

发现我真的没有什么可以喝酒聊天的异性朋友。我是指同龄的。当然，不同龄的也没有。不过我需要的是同龄的。和同龄人聊天比较舒服，似乎是大家都知道的东西，只是通过聊来互相比较互相安慰。你不用好像在跟另一个星球的人说话那样，认真客观地从头说起，先令对方理解那条脉络（这很有技术含量），然后再主观感性地谈自己的感受，最后发现他没有共鸣。本来你是想让人告诉你你很normal的，因为你觉得应该是这样；结果对方的失语，恰恰让你怀疑自己了。

不知道广州哪里有酒吧会播一些Jazz Vocal的？例如Billie Holiday（1915–1959）。

11岁，14岁被强暴。1930年15岁去做妓女，坐了一会儿牢。此后一直在night club里唱歌赚小费。1933年被挖掘录唱片。40年代她吸海洛因。离了两次婚，47年因藏毒入狱。由于吸毒、酗酒、还有她前后几个男人的暴力虐待，50年代她的健康状况急剧恶化。她的声音变得又粗又沙哑。1958年，录制《Lady in Satin》，伴奏是Ray Ellis指挥的乐团。1959年五月被受入医院，7月12日被拘，罪名为藏毒，尽管有证据证明她可能被栽桩。17日就因肝衰竭死于监狱。她的财产被放肆地骗夺，她死的时候银行帐户里有$0.70，另外有$750画报稿费。

《Lady in Satin》专辑里的每一道歌都是她死前向世人的告白和告别。一听到她的声音，你马上会为人世的残酷而震惊——竟能将一位女士摧残至此！她的生命就是一个被催残的身体，布满了巨大的，愈合得很难看的伤口。她不慌不忙地指着这些伤口，一个一个地跟你述说，稍稍地讽刺（I’m a Fool to Want You），稍稍地埋怨（You’ve Changed）了一下自己之后，最后一首The End of a Love Affair，终于正式告别，走向毁灭。

I’m a fool to want you
I’m a fool to want you
To want a love that cant be true
A love thats there for others too

I’m a fool to hold you
Such a fool to hold you
To seek a kiss not mine alone
To share a kiss that devil has known

Time and time again I said Id leave you
Time and time again I went away
But then would come the time when I would need you
And once again these words I had to say

Take me back, I love you
…i need you
I know its wrong, it must be wrong
But right or wrong I cant get along
Without you

You’ve changed
That sparkle in your eyes is gone
Your smile is just a careless yawn
You’re breaking my heart
You’ve changed

You’ve changed
Your kisses now are so blase
You’re bored with me in every way
I can’t understand
You’ve changed
You’ve forgotten the words, “i love you”
Each memory that we’ve shared
You ignore every star above you
I can’t realize you’ve ever cared

You’ve changed
You’re not the angel I once knew
No need to tell me that we’re through
It’s all over now
You’ve changed

So I walk a little too fast and I drive a little too fast
And Im reckless its true, but what else can you do at the
End of a love affair?

So I talk a little too much, and I laugh a little too much
And my voice is too loud, when Im out in a crowd
So that people are apt to stare

Do they know, do they care, that its only that Im lonely
And low as can be?
And the smile on my face isnt really a smile at atll!

So I smoke a little too much, and I drink a little too much
And the tunes I request are not always the best
But the ones where the trumpets blare!

So I go at a maddening pace, and I pretend that its taking
Your place
But what else can you do, at the end of a love affair