不可能孤单一辈子
我一直都不知道到底有什么人看我这个博客。就算搞了个Google Analytics也是莫名其妙。反正好像彭雷是看的。这么说来，彭雷好像是我唯一知道看我博客的人呢，貌似地位还很特殊。
假如我的什么秘密可以永远不跟任何人说起，一直守到死，那也算是一项很可观的丰功传绩了。虽然有时很艰难，可至少到死的那一刻可以觉得自豪，在病床上想：还有几分钟我就要死了，到那时这个秘密就真的守一辈子了。
不过，也可能会是完全相反的情况。反正都要死了，我死后哪管惊滔骇浪？怎么也要让一些人知道这些秘密才走吧？
只是如果这样的话，那真的是确认自己活不成了的时候才好说。不然如果说完之后又活过来了，还延寿几十年，那岂不是千年英名一朝丧？不过如果是病死的话，好像死之前有很长时间是昏迷状态，除非在回光返照的那段时间抓紧说完，否则也没机会说。可是，你怎么知道你是回光返照呢还是奇迹般康复呢？
因此才发现自杀的行为在这种情况下是多么符合逻辑。与其不知道自己是不是快死，不如说完就马上自杀。
很多人之所以自杀，跟大家喜不喜欢他没什么关系，否则好死不如赖活着；主要是跟他自己喜不喜欢自己有关系。那么我到底喜不喜欢自己呢？这又牵扯到另一个问题。如果不认识其他人，我绝对会自满到无以复加的地步。可是人是不能太喜欢自己的，这样会变成坏人。因为我事实上认识了很多人，因此我并没有自满到无以复加的地步。不过事情又没有这么简单，要把我认识的人分两类。一类是我爱的人，一类是我不爱的人。对我爱的人，我绝对会自卑，跟那个人是谁没有关系。如果说人生在世，最重要的是那些我爱的人，那我岂不是绝大部分处于自卑？于是也就等于说我绝大部分是讨厌自己的，这有什么理由不自杀？如果人生在世最重要的是那些我不喜欢的人，那活着也太没意思了。
因此，无论把你爱的人视为人生之重，还是把你不爱的人视为人生之重，活着都没意思。那些没有自杀的人，无非是压根没把任何人视为人生之重。因此我要跟那些成天憧憬着爱情的女人们说，如果他爱你，他早自杀了。活着的人是不可能爱你啊什么的！死心吧！或者一边哭去！
那为什么我也没有自杀呢？因为自杀的话又违反了另一条逻辑。我要么相信来世，要么不相信来世。如果我不相信来世的话，那死是一件很恐怖的事情，所以我怕死，你来杀我我还要反抗；如果我相信来世，那可就要讲条件了。我要有人答应我来世能做一个从所有角度来说都极其大众化的人我才自杀，而且我要做男人不要做女人。否则如果我来世是猪啊什么的那我可不愿意。到现在为止还没有谁答应我。我甚至找不到谁是管这回事的。因此从正反两方面来说，我都不能自杀。
因此人就是该痛苦地活着。不过这也不新鲜了，好像早就有哪个哲学家得出过这样的结论了。至今为止我唯一觉得欣慰的事情就是我活得很孙尉翔。
另外的就是，认为我的一些做法给我自身所带来的痛苦比给朋友对方大得多，也可能是仅属臆测。我一直是凭这一点认识而做出那一类决定的。“我这么痛苦我都干，你那儿就歇着吧！”不过，如果认为朋友对方的痛苦和我一样或者比我大得多，那又是不是把自己看得太重要了，在人家心目中的地位太高了？
哲学思辩就到此为止吧。
作为一个在大学呆了N年的本地人，每年1月都没办法不伤感，不知道是不是自从听了小桌子介绍我的一揽子校园民谣里的那首《冬季校园》之后就中了招？由此可见那些写诗写词人文怪物给社会留下了多少祸害，尤其那句“可是每到假期，你们都苍惶离去”，无非是把我的那种见不得人的酸溜溜的情绪写进优美的旋律，貌似就见得人了罢了。作为火星人我总是不得不学习揣摸地球人的常态。例如，读个大学，五湖四海的年轻人都在一个地方生活了，俨然都是本地人，跟真正的本地人混得很熟。可是刚到一月份，他们的外地人的狰狞面目就又显露出来了，坊间开始讨论火车票的话题，大家都就火车票热烈讨论。而我这个真正的本地人则只能很离群地继续干着一直就干开的事情。那么，他们回家干什么呢？过年！是啊，我虽然是本地人，不也还是要过年吗？人不可能整个世界就只是校园。每个人都有爸爸妈妈外婆姑姑，还有李叔叔、王阿姨、张伯伯。这些人难道都不要了吗？回家还可以见高中同学。高中同学不就是每个人的本地人圈子吗？不要说回家，就算在校，也有很多老乡团，其实也是本地人圈子。陶洪虽然是华工学生，但也同时是梅州人。那就更不用提了——客家人是一个人数众多的族群。在华工客家人一点都不孤独。我是广州人，就在广州地盘，为什么还要伤感呢？为什么我就不像廖俊枫、黄亦成那样不吃辣、朋友全都讲粤语？就连容里和小桌子也不知从什么时候起就总是跟我讲粤语。可我记得我们认识和在一起的时候，我们是讲普通话的。我依稀记得容里是在大四毕业，711散了之后开始跟我讲粤语的。尽管我现在很难想象陶洪将来有一天变成跟我讲粤语了，但却记不清容里一开始跟我讲粤语的时候了，大概也并不震惊。
上大学以来我90%讲普通话。我的现在朋友绝大多数不是本地人。在这里面已经包含了我的高中兄弟们了。我高中兄弟就好几个了，不要脸乱认兄弟地数还能数上十几个，哇那这样说来我的朋友还不少？只是都失落了。想想为什么高中聚会我总是跟陈昊旻更多话说，也许一部分是因为他愿意讲普通话。王旋貌似很愿意讲粤语。
数数的话高中朋友基本上都结婚或快结婚了。不知道他们和那些后来才认识的，我不认识的女生结婚，感觉是不是就好像假如我和冯哲结婚那样？我只知道如果陈昊旻和吴银燕结婚的话就一定是。为此我衷心祝福这一对。将来我死的时候如果回想自己的事情高兴不起来，就可以想想他们的事情，高高兴兴地去死。
如果说过年回家就是去见高中同学，那高中同学都结婚之后这就不太合理了。结婚了的人不可能总是跟落单的人一起混。大家觉得没什么也是因为深知落单的人也只是暂时落单。如果这不是暂时的，如果我一辈子落单，那就不一样了，那我和有家室的人就不是一个世界的人，应该跟其他一辈子落单的人混才对。好像的确有这样的生活方式，白天干活，晚上留连风月场所。不过我一想到这种生活就会联想到吴孟达的形象。假如我老了是马英九甚至是布鲁斯南，那也许留连一下风月场所也未尝不是件美事，但假如我老了是吴孟达，一个老吴孟达成天流连风月场所，那我还不如死了算了。我不能无凭无据就坚信我老了是马英九而不是吴孟达的呀，鉴于目前我就跟范跑跑有异曲同工之妙，我老了会不会比吴孟达更不济还未可知。
决定不再和陶洪做朋友，看似突然，其实也是必然的结果，迟早的事，就好像我和阿cat分手一样，是那种全体中每个原子都无比正确的决定。和阿cat分手那是轻松得很，但不和陶洪做朋友则不是一下子能放得下。过年他也会回家事小，他比我早毕业，也就是说我将要在614按兵不动地看着他收拾床铺杂物、装箱，一切打点妥当，拖着行李出门，留下空空的床铺。而由于我不再和他是朋友了，我不能说一句再见，也不会送他任何纪念品，我以前也许已经送过的东西，我只记得我给他刻过一个图章，但再也没看他拿出来过，这些就不管了。但是他给我留下的这么多东西，我都可能不舍得扔。此后，我就继续干着我一直在干的事情，就好像最近大家在停下手中的活讨论火车票的时候一样。此后的一年，也许会有一个新的博士搬进来，也许不会。尽管如此种种，我还是决定不再和他做朋友，因为这是一个正确的决定。也许现在就开始的话，到时也许可以波澜不惊。其实，就算一直保持到最后，离别之后他“来的信”也会“写得越来越客气”，“关于爱情”他也会“只字不提”。所幸他砍有刀痕的床我已经告别在西六508，今后谁能擦去也与我无关了。
上天自从把我错生下来之后就一直都待我不薄，想弥补一开始的错误。我也很理解他的，这么些年来我也很努力，我对自己也非常满意。就算到了这个时候，上天还是在优待我，给我一个好导师。我的导师童真还不仅仅是一个好导师，他在我心中代表着积极，光明和值得憧憬的未来，给了我新的希望。无论我有多么心情不好，原因是什么，只要看到童老师我就会开心起来，重新打起精神。毕竟，科研是我的理想。我这辈子活得再没意义，好歹还有个理想吧。童老师代表着通往理想的这扇门，而且这不是一扇冷冰冰的，一视同仁的公正的门，而是一扇欢迎我，带着笑脸迎接我，一看到我就大开的门，并给我前进的勇气的门，让我可以告别陶洪，告别以前的事情，毫无顾虑地勇往直前。
尽管我不知道将来有没有一个老婆，但我总要这么决定撒，我起码得决定假如有的话我不要拒绝，或许还应该决定假如有的话要稍微主动一点。做人总要向前看。因为有一点是肯定的，我不可能做学生做一辈子。将来就算我还在学校工作，我也是个老师了。
冒个泡。
生死一线间。完全就是一个勇气的问题。
不过有的秘密，我还是希望某年某月某日某人能够知道的。
的确是，我这人就是从小胆子小，不男人！畏高！作为一个男人畏高，这已经让我这辈子活着没有什么意义了。
为了练，我曾趁去香港的时候到海洋公园一口气连续玩了跳楼机、海盗船和过山车，反正是玩过来的，这东西不会死的，但是从我的表情来看（我叫我信任的人帮我把我的丑态照下来以供我总结学习），实在跟身边的人差距很大。身边的人都很享受的样子。就这么喜欢失重的感觉么？
于是就觉得活着没意思！不活了！不过要有人答应我下辈子不能畏高才好。到现在为止还没有人答应我。
72pines改版了之后评论的访spam问题怎么这么难啊，三位数加法呢，203+8我差点算成221……
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